by Gage Skidmore

photo by Gage Skidmore

  • Before attempting to aid victims of violence ask if they might prefer to be judged.
  • Lower flags to half mast permanently to deny shooters the satisfaction.
  • Keep a child readily available that you’re confident you would be able to throw accurately at an assailant.
  • Survey your surroundings. There may be a jagged piece of a fractured political party or presidential campaign accessible to you that can be used as a weapon.
  • Perfect the skill of quickly manufacturing your own realities that completely leave out any adverse conditions.
  • If shooting breaks out, stay calm. Kneel, press your fist into the floor, and furrow your brow. Imagine your own sociopathic feelings radiating outward, overcoming those of the shooter and vaporizing him and everyone else in the room.
  • Did you hear my Popeye’s story? Did you think it sounded a little like a movie? Can you see Denzel Washington as Ben Carson in that role? I can, and I think the American people can.
  • A shooter can only shoot one person at a time. If you find yourself in a one-on-one confrontation with a gunman, begin shouting a variety of contradictory opinions to create the impression that you’re actually several different ill informed charlatans.